Epic Rap Battle Lyrics - Rhett & Link
[Link:] First off I wanna tell ya I enjoyed the pizza
Well it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meet-cha
I'd like your number
But I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it
[Rhett:] That means he's cheap and pathetic and if ya date him you'll regret it
23 percent from me communicates
I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate
[Link:] Is she supposed to be impressed?
[Rhett:] Well if you want a battle be my guest
[Link:] I'm a computer programmer and a cubical dweller
I disabled Spell Check cuz I'm a stellar speller
When I write an email that includes an attachment
I never hit "send" before I've attached it
[Rhett:] Your job is a bore
I keep it hard core
Sellin' knives and insurance from door to door
You're reflectin' on a water cooler conversation
I'm givin' an incredible knife demonstration
[Rhett:] May I interest you in some accidental death coverage?
Or a hard boiled egg slicer?
[Link:] I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene
[Rhett:] Egg slicer
[Link:] I car pool
Cuz I'm environmentally sensitive
I pack a snorkel cuz I'm clever and so inventitive
[Rhett:] It's inventive, inventitive isn't a word
[Link:] Yeah I just inventited it, you just got served
[Rhett:] Well when I car pool, I take a group of third graders
On my way to work I teach 'em multiplication tables
See I'm a role model, an example to the youth
[Link:] Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?
[Link:] At the gym people line up just to give me a spot
All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat
My career Plan B is to teach P.E
The model on the machine is based on me
[Rhett:] I've mastered the art of mental manipulation
Workin' every muscle group through meditation
This is me workin' out my triceps
Pick up my DVD called "Mind Reps."
[Link:] My sense of style, is sweet like syrup
It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe
[Rhett:] I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer
See this turtleneck, with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year
[Rhett:] Is that all you got?
[Link:] I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do
If something were to go wrong I'd just blame it on you
[Rhett:] I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say
[Link:] Then say something clever
[Rhett:] Uh, ok
[Link:] I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar
But I turned it down and became the president's karaoke czar
[Rhett:] I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet
[Link:] I gave the Heimlich to a horse chokin' on beef jerky
Two hours later he won the Kentucky derby
[Rhett:] I'm allergic to nothin'
[Link:] I'm allergic to weakness
[Rhett:] I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses
[Link:] I can drive a stick shift
[Rhett:] Well I can golf
[Link:] Well I can make it look like my thumb is comin' off
[Rhett:] I invented the Half Nelson
[Link:] I invented the Full Nelson!
[Rhett:] I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin
[Link:] My uncle is a lawyer!
[Rhett:] I roll my own sushi!
[Link:] I use the metric system exclusively!
[Rhett:] I know Morse code!
[Link:] Well I can speak it:
Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop
[Rhett:] You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized
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